Write What you Wanna

Truth be Told.

2006-12-31T13:30:00.000-06:00

Not too long ago I caught a few episodes of Dexter on Showtime. The premise is quite engaging - sociopathic blood spatter analyst for the Miami PD satisfies his urge to kill by cutting up and disposing of "bad guys" (arsonists, molesters, rapists, etc). Somethings that I particularly like about the show are the direction and storytelling/narration. Its sort of like a Hemingway novel. Never verbose, yet always articulate, and filled with realistic charaters who are messed up in their own little way. I don't know where I was going with this but as I was watching the show I realized that shows on TV have changed drastically. I mean you don't see Happy Days, or Green acres, or Mister Ed, or Dukes of Hazard, or Beverly Hills 90210, or Saved by the Bell. In an attempt to make the shows more relevant to the audience they have evolved into the OC, Nip Tuck, CSI , Dexter. Superficiality and murder. I guess the only question to ask is: has reality always been this way ? Has it been hiding and changing and waiting to come out with such impudence ? In other words, have the human complexities changed into something so grotesque within 40 years or have writers become daring enough to share their most intimate fears ? Even though I'm scared by the answer, in some ways it reassures me that I'm not alone.

Sports

2006-07-16T14:35:00.000-05:00

It's scorching outside but nothing compared to what it was like a month ago, when I was in Calcutta. I think it was good that I went back right before summer started here. It was almost like going to strength camp before football season starts. After having dealt with the heat and humidity there, summer in STL seems like a vacation in Hawaii in the middle of January. In retrospect "football" is not to be confused with men in helmets and a bad attitude. I meant football like the rest of the world means it - the proper way (because you actually use your foot in the game rather than cradling the ball with your hands). Anyway, there is something that has been bothering me for about a month now (besides the redness and burning sensation in my balls).
It is the lack of sports in my life. Apparently there is no one our age - in their 20s or above - who like to play sports anymore. They'd much rather sit on their ass and watch it on TV so that they can analyze the event with some half baked knowledge of the game and some obsolete experience of having played it a billion years ago. I can understand how pursuing sports can take a back seat to chasing beautiful women, or a kick ass job; but to compeletely discard it, is pretty pathetic. Here's a random thought and I might be completely wrong but did anyone ever stop and think that if sports was played more and watched less, not only would STL be bumped of the "most obese cities in america" list, it could actually contribute to unecessarily glorified atheletes taking a pay cut? According to a recent survey most fans of any sport such as American football, baseball, football, Cross country, swimming, basketball, bicycling, etc etc. are most impressed by two things - speed, and stamina. Believe it or not skill comes third with the exception of basketball. Looking at that statistic one might be inclined to conclude that :a) either the fans are impressed by speed and stamina because they are comparing their own physical conditions to that of the atheletes or b) they are impressed by how much better is one athelete is from another - in terms of speed and stamina. Personally I think, choice 'b' has a low probability because professional atheletes tend to be - pretty much - at the same physical performance level. So, if fans are comparing these athelets to themselves w/o even playing the game then they are mistaken and by simple law of supply and demand the worth of the athelete is lessened. That was a skipping too many steps ahead so I'll explain. Lets suppose that someone is extremely impressed by beckham's ability to bend the ball (although didn't help him win this world CUP. SUCCA !)it's because the last time he played the game was in 7th grade. How much can you actually remember about your speed and your stamina or your skill for that matter from seventh grade ? Besides you quit playing the game after that one summer or one semester - maybe even if you stuck with it till now you would suck; but you'll never known because you didn't. You quit ! Now imagine this realization and it's implications on a much larger scale. First of all, players are appreciated for their true worth and not just because of what they achieved by training 9 hours a day - because that is called practice and dedication, not talent. Also, practicing for athelets is pretty comparable to what we call jobs - it's the pro players job to show up and practice so that he can perform at the pro level. And second of all, since you are talented we are going to watch you perform but that doesn't mean that you get to extort us from our money which we worked just as hard as you to get. Because it's true that some people have much more fun jobs than others; but at the same time the not so fun jobs are equally important for the community - you don't pay your cable guy 1 million dollars for coming out and fixing a co-ax so why would you pay $3600 to go and see Ronaldhinio suck balls (aka show no considerable talent whatsoever) in the world cup against france. "suck balls" is not an opinionated rant because C.Ronaldo(Portugal) played the exact position as Ronaldhinio and broke the french defense almost every time he came down the field. So my advice would be to get off the couch and hit the fields.

Modern Man: The UNsocial animal.

2005-10-01T22:20:00.000-05:00

Being your own best friend I suppose has many upsides. For one thing you never have to compromise about doing something that you don't wanna do, you never have to avoid telling yourself something that might hurt you, you never have to worry about betraying yourself, and last but not least you don't have to be understanding to yourself. Of course the downside is you become an "introvert" or a "loner" or "socially inept" or a "freak". The question to ask here is this: how much strength do you carry within urself to counter the aforementioned labels ? Would you let the comments get to you, whereby you either isolate yourself more from society, or try to be more accepting and trusting of other people without caring much about your best interest ? I think the answer is somewhere in between. The idea is to keep yourself isolated and invulnerable yet inconspicuous enough to not gather too much attention about your so called social incapability. In other words have "acquaintances" not "friends" (in the traditional sense of the word). Acquaintances come without liabilities. Words and phrases like hi, hello, bye, really?, how you doin ?, good luck with that !, dinner sounds doable, i'm going to take a rain check on that, etc can be said to maintain "civility" and a person doesn't have to mean any of it. Friends on the other hand require the use of I'm counting on you man, I need you to do me a favor, can you spot me ? , how could you forget my b-day ?, sure i can pick you up, I'll be there, you wanna take a walk ?, and other phrases of the kind - there is a sense of responsiblity and accountability, there is a fear of losing something, there is vulnerability. Maybe this is what saints and priests refer to as zen - being here and not here at the same time. You are here yet you don't attach yourself to anyone because you are aware of the transient nature of this universe. One day he/she is your best friend and overnight things change so much that you could never look at the person in the same manner. Why put urself through the pain ? Why take a risk knowing that you can't win ? Why let your emotions and your passion get the best of you? Why trust someone else with something that is so precious to you? Instead be aloof, be zen, be at peace.

Fallin out

2005-09-12T13:20:00.000-05:00

Losing touch, Losing track.
Moving on, Moving away.
Forgetting faces, Forgetting places.
Faint memories, Faint feelings.
Something to reminisce, Something to cherish.
Experience gathered, lesson learned.
This life is too long and the world is too small for us to not meet again. Hopefully we can share much more than our past when that rendezvous does happen. Yesterday my undying love, today my friend, and between the time from now and that distant tomorrow, the hope of a pleasent surprise - thats who you are. I have to go; but I'll be back. Until next time.

Language falls short

2005-08-07T09:45:00.000-05:00

Language I think comes from frustration. It comes from this primordial instinct in humans to congregate into "socio-dependent " masses who need to share their experiences. For example, "watch out for that boulder about to hit your head ! " is the product of one human being caring for other enough to keep him/her away from harm. An "UNH .." or "AHH ! " "GRUNT..." would just not have cut it and after about the third victim being crushed by a giant rock or eaten alive by a saber tooth, the clan/group would decide to come up with a specific symbol or gesture or sound to disctinctly convey the message to the soon-to-be victim. As and when human life became more complicated, new words were created and added to human vocabulary to express newly discovered feelings. Some of these words are so general and well known that it generates the exact same response in all human beings. For example, "killing another human being is wrong" comes from an experience of penance and guilt. The reason I know that killing is wrong is because I have thousands of years of human experience to draw on. Human beings before me have killed and society has remembered the series of unpleasent feelings triggered by those deaths for everybody involved. So after a 100 thousand years when our species talks about murder we understand each other perfectly well - it generates a singular response, unique and distinctive. In the same way there are intangible things that we feel and are totally unable to express. "Love ", I think, takes the cake for this one. Although there are similar experiences that human beings have shared while in love/what they thought was love, no one can seem to agree or zone in on that one particular response/reaction/experience that would gurantee that this could be nothing else but "Love". That is where language falls short and we need gestures, physical contact and various actions to complete the void. Holding hands, kissing, the need to make love other than reasons of pro-creation, day-dreaming about your significant other, bringing them flowers, buying them something nice, just being content to be in each other's company - all these things don't require the use of words. However, all these gestures fall short of communicating the exact feeling, the magnitude of the pleasure, the magnitude of the happiness that you are feeling and want to share with your companion. Thus the confusion, the heart break, the not knowing what to do, the trial and error of dating. I mean think about it, for a comment like, " I would never sleep with a person unless I was sure that she was the one"; Who is The One ? What are her characteristics ? What do you want to be sure of ? I guess the most common answer to all these questions would be: attachment. If I'm attached to the person at some level that is beyond the platonic concern of caring for one human as another, then it is ok to be intimate - keep in mind I'm not talking about parent/children relationships and so forth; whole other story I don't wanna get into. Attachment however, is so realtive. For some people, sex is fucking and they don't get attached at all. For others like me the story is a bit different. But anyway, I think thats rambling enough. Need to go start the day. I guess a good closing statement to the world would be, "good luck with all that ! "

2005-07-02T09:11:00.000-05:00

Crystal Clear

2005-07-02T09:10:00.000-05:00

Rocks are my diving board (Hunting)

2005-07-02T09:06:00.000-05:00

KADAK ! (Hunting)

2005-07-02T09:05:00.001-05:00

I really need a shower (Hunting)

2005-07-02T09:05:00.000-05:00

We keepin it real in the woods (Hunting)

2005-07-02T08:59:00.000-05:00

Much harder than it looks. (Hunting)

2005-07-02T08:58:00.001-05:00

Don't laugh at my boots. (Hunting)

2005-07-02T08:58:00.000-05:00

Wish I actually killed something (Hunting)

2005-07-02T08:57:00.000-05:00

Reno 911 Tom (Hunting)

2005-07-02T08:56:00.000-05:00

Bushwhacking through (Hunting)

2005-07-02T08:54:00.000-05:00

XXTREEEEM Danger ! (Hunting)

2005-07-02T08:42:00.000-05:00

A river runs through it (Hunting)

2005-07-02T08:39:00.000-05:00

This is what Red Riding Hood saw ! ( Hunting)

2005-07-02T08:38:00.000-05:00

Jungle boy Jeff (Hunting)

2005-07-02T08:37:00.000-05:00

What we went to hunt (Hunting)

2005-07-02T08:35:00.000-05:00

First stop - Ironton (Hunting)

2005-07-02T08:34:00.001-05:00

Need Bullets ? (Hunting)

2005-07-02T08:34:00.000-05:00

From the look out point (Hunting)

2005-07-02T08:32:00.000-05:00

Bowman Tommy (Hunting)

work stuff

2005-06-16T15:51:00.000-05:00

1.2.1 Web application framework
Alternative A: Java Server Face.
Alternative B: Struts
JavaServer Faces is the framework for building user interface components in web applications. It focuses on the view tier of a Model-View-Controller architecture, while providing enough controller capability to write simple to moderately complex applications.
Jakarta Struts is an open-source framework for developing J2EE web applications. It uses and extends the Java Servlet API to encourage developers to adopt an MVC architecture.
1.2.2 View Implementation
Alternative A: JSP
Alternative B: XSLT
Java Server Pages (JSP) technology provides a simplified, fast way to create dynamic web content by embedding Java code with HTML. JSP technology enables rapid development of web-based applications that are server and platform-independent.
XSLT is a functional language designed to perform transformations on XML documents. The JavaBean which contains the dynamic data can be serialized to XML and then transformed to HTML using the XSLT template, which contains the look & feel for the XML document.
1.3 Communication to application clients
According to the business requirement 4.1.2, the customer should be able to access their Order Status information via mySBC’s Check Order Status Tab. A communication interface should be designed for application clients, like mySBC, (SWOT, and PRM in the future) to communicate with COS.
Alternative A: EJB (Enterprise JavaBean)
Alternative B: Web Services
Alternative C: JMS
The Enterprise JavaBean architecture is a server component architecture for the development and deployment of component-based distributed business applications. The client application can easily invoke the EJB business method using a EJB client proxy obtained through a JNDI look up. The communication between EJB and its client occurs over RMI/IIOP.

2005-05-28T19:39:00.000-05:00

The Mafia delivers

2005-05-28T19:38:00.001-05:00

The duckfather was always the best :-)

2005-05-28T19:38:00.000-05:00

Baby Rommel had braces ?

2005-05-28T19:37:00.000-05:00

Duude: Grabbing life by the balls

2005-05-28T19:36:00.000-05:00

All but one in the bunch

Sweet Home St.Louis

2005-05-20T21:39:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm back baby ! Been back home for about two days. Life is great. I don't start work till about another two weeks; so I'm just kickin back and enjoying life for the most part. Last night I went out with a friend from school who's taking some summer classes in the city. It was a lot of fun. We hung out on Delmar Street all evening - my favorite. She was very hesitant to show me where she lived because she hadn't finished unpacking and is still settling in. Nevertheless, an amazing place right in the heart of the city and its got this NYC village feel. And when we actually went up it was nowhere as bad as she had said it was. Anyway, we watched a movie - Kung Fu hustle - by the end of which we both had cramps. The movie is absolutely hilarious and I would recommend it to everybody without even skipping a beat. So we are about to walk out of the theater (it's about quarter to 12) and it's literally pouring out. We joined all the other sane people who were waiting patiently for the rain to stop right outside the theater. And within about 20secs my friend says lets just walk in the rain, "it'll be fun." I don't know how I let her talk me into it but we started walking in the rain to our cars; which btw was parked about three blocks from the theater. In about 2 mins we were soaking and laughing at each other. At the end of every sidewalk - where you wait to cross when the sign says WALK ! - there was a little stream of flith gushing at full speed and we had no option but to step in it; since it was too wide to cross with a jump. On one such intersection my friend decides that she weighs almost nothing, she's a cross country runner, heck of an athelete - hey why not jump ? Well, everything would've worked out fine in theory IF she wasn't wearing heels. Before I could object, she was in the air and within the very next moment her butt was on the road. Of course, I helped her up immidiately and making sure that she was ok.. we both started laughing so hard. Everyone looking (which weren't many since people were mostly concentrating on getting home in the middle of this apocalypse) must've totally thought that we were drunk. But I think what is cool is the fact that it didn't matter at the time. Both of us felt free and not in the least uncomfortable - not with each other nor with the people watching. It was quite a refreshing experience. By the time we got to our cars and started saying our goodbyes we were hopelessly drenched. She only had to drive two blocks and I drove on the highway for about 20mins to get home. I came home threw my clothes in the dryer, changed, and went to bed laughing at the silliness of my friend and myself. I think I'll cherish this night for a while :-p

I'm done!

2005-05-11T22:11:00.000-05:00

I did it. I took my last test as an undergraduate today. It was Macroecon and I think I did ok. The first test I ever took as an undergraduate was Calc I. WOW! I'm done. It feels so weird saying that. SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH! ... "it's like the end of an era."

Moving on with life

2005-05-06T23:37:00.000-05:00

I can't believe I'm actually graduating in a week. Who would've thought that I would actually make it through college. Man I'm growing old. I guess it never really hit me before today. As I was turning in my senior project papers and saying my goodbyes to team mates and teachers, I actually felt bad about leaving this place. Four years ago, you could not pay me enough to be here. I made some good friends (possibly for life), did some bad things, some good things, went to some classes, skipped some others, wasted some of my parents money, some of my own, and all in all had an ok time. Now it's time to move on and join the workforce, give something back to society, all that jazz. My work orientation is a week after graduation and I really hope my co-workers are cool. Working in downtown St.Louis, how bad can it be?

Personal thought

2005-05-02T12:53:00.000-05:00

People are lonely and needy. I don't necessarily think it is a bad thing. Nevertheless, it saddens me to see unsatisfied people, lonely people. I wish something could be done about it. I hope I can figure out what it is.

Spreading your seed

2005-04-21T13:52:00.000-05:00

In my numerous readings that amount to a whole lot of information about nothing, I came across, what I personally think, is quite possibly the most fertile man that ever lived. Emperor Kangxi 1662 - 1722, China, had 36 sons and 20 daughters. He lived for a grand total of 68 years in which he produced 56 children. Now think about this for a minute: that means he did not reproduce for only 12 years in his life(assuming he had one child per year). It is almost as though he started reproducing as soon as he was biologically capable. Looking at it from the female perspective: Kangxi had 4 wives, who bore him the 56 bundles of joy. In other words, 14 kids per wife. Asuming the average lifespan of a woman in 18th century China was 70 years, women reached menopause at the age of 50,were capable of having and keeping a baby alive from the age of 13, and the king lost interest in them after the age of 35, we are left with a grand total of 22 years in which an empress/concubine could be pregnant. This means that all of his wives were pregnant 63% of time they could be pregnant. Wow! This, ladies and gentlemen, was a busy man.

Lessons learned in Life

2005-04-19T16:27:00.000-05:00

About a year ago I got a job at a Firestone, rotating tires, changing oil, and all that other good stuff. It was too late to find a job elsewhere since summer had already started, and I needed money really bad. So the first day I showed up at work and they asked me to go to the back of the shop and change. Needless to say I was the youngest and had the smallest waist size - most of them had me beat by a good 6 sizes. They weren't going to give me new clothes because I was only going to work the summer. So I got a blue work shirt that said Joe on the left chest and had a big grease mark right across the fourth button on both halves of the shirt. There were five people that worked regularly and two that came in three days a week (and by week I mean 7 days a week, not your 5 day business week). Because I was new and an apprentice they had me close shop everyday - which means a 10 hour shift with a 30 min lunch break. I learnt many things during the three weeks that I worked there but there are two things I learnt which I will never forget.
1) On my first day at work, my supervisor Steve opened up the hood of a Dodge Caravan to explain my responsibilities under the hood and show me where to look for what. He asked me to pop the hood from the driver's seat and then come out and open it up by myself. So I popped the hood, and came out to open the hood. I was stumbling around for about 10 secs because the only hood I had opened before was my Honda's and I had no experience whatsoever. So Steve looks at me and says, "Do you like girls?... I mean you aren't gay or anything are you?" I looked at Steve in total consternation and said, "No no, I'm quite straight." And Steve continued, "Well, then think of the car like your gf, feel around and take your time to find the hook and then push it aside slowly. Do it like you were undoing her bra." Having heard this quite hilarious analogy, I started laughing really bad and so did he. Steve must've used this on many apprentices before but it is one of those things that never loses its humor. And sure enough, within no time I had undone her bra.

2) The second lesson I learnt, was that fixing cars for 10 hours straight while not sitting down even once, will make you a stronger man in your calves. I quit after three weeks because my calves were as strong as they will ever be. Within those three weeks I unhooked 250 bras...

Old friend

2005-04-15T12:35:00.000-05:00

After a long time - almost a year - I met one of my buddies from freshman year. He'd been working in New Orleans for the summer, he told me. We talked for about an hour and went our own ways.

Contemplating actions.

2005-04-09T13:25:00.000-05:00

Just when I thought things were finally taking a turn for the good, something had to go wrong. A week ago, I was happy. I had found a good job lined up for me straight out of college, I got accepted to the University of Pennsylvania - which I never thought I'd make it to - and for the one time in the last four years I actually felt relieved because the fog of uncertainity had finally started clearing up. It's not like I have a million friends all over the world, so I try and hold on to the ones I make. Consequently, the possibility of even losing one of them scares the hell out of me. It's like this - in a world so dynamic and transitional such as the 21st century (personally, I think) it would be nice to take some things for granted. For example, a functional/close to being functional family, good mental/physical health, constant source of income, food, clothing, shelter, a member of the opposite/same sex (whatever floats ur boat) to share your romantic interests with, and most importantly a group of peers to make memories with. And success of a human being as such can be easily assesed depending on how close he/she is to the aforementioned stability. By the same token, till about a week ago, my life was pretty close to being perfect. I have a functional family (and by functional I mean overprotective and paranoid parents), my weight( if that is really any indication of health) hasn't changed an ounce since 10th grade, I eat whatever i want, I wear whatever i can afford, my studio apartment is quite comfortable, spring made sure of romace in the air, and four years of college memories with my buddies had culminated into one quintessential video - Spaswatch (created and edited by David). Thats when it happened. A disastrous - yet not catastrophic - series of events brought on by my laziness and apathy; which hopefully I'll be able to fix by the end of the semester. Today I'm sitting here doing last week's logic homework that was due this Tuesday, my senior presentation sucked quite bad, I'm caught in the middle of a power struggle between two of my closest friends from high school, there is a very good chance that I failed my history test, I am not so confident that our senior project can be completed within the time left, and if I don't get back on track my G.P.A is going to end up taking an unsustainable blow. For once, I'd like to finish strong and do something unlike me - NOT SLACK !!

Cribbing

2005-04-06T12:39:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I received an e-mail from a friend who seems to think that my hanging up on her after being insulted is "unwarranted". Well, I did not quite know what to say to that; because it is usually in my nautre to avoid confrontation and that is why I hung up. I could've stayed on the line, waiting for the perfect comeback but I feel like I'm too old and too tired for that. Maybe 5 years ago - in high school - that was fun. But it gets to be really old, after such a long time. Anyway, she went on complaining for about two paragraphs about whether it was still worth being friends if after such a long time I cannot make out the differene between her jokes and her being serious. Because I was so seriously disgusted by the topic, and appalled by the amount of time & energy wasted on this quite sophomoric and unintelligent whining, I replied back to her in one line: Hope you vented enough. Just Chill !!

Spring breaaaaaaaaak!!

2005-04-05T13:10:00.000-05:00

Recently my friends and I went to Panama City, FL. This was our last spring break together and so we decided to go all out. We had a room at the Holiday Inn for five nights and a killer view to two of the most beautiful things on this planet: the sea, and drop dead gorgeous babes. Four days of kicking it on the patio - with our honorary friend Mr.Bud Light - and socializing/attempting to socialze with some of the most beautiful women I have seen in real life. Clubs, scooters, bikes, the beach, beads, sandals, girls, sea food, more girls, bikinis, blondes, brunettes, red-heads(although, I have to admit there weren't many of them. Actually, only one that I saw), music, drinking, even more girls, and last but no way in hell the least, some more UNREAL babes. That pretty much sums up Panama City. My friends drove both ways and therefore were saved from the Odessey that I undertook flying with Delta. Thanks to f****** inclement weather and crappy MD-88s it took me 27 hours to get from P.C to St.Louis. After the incredibly long journey (which should have only taken 3 hours, factoring in the time difference), I was definitely tired. But for the most part I was really sad that life was not an eternal spring break in P.C or somewhere of the like. This was not a new realization by any means; but nonetheless a hurtful one.

Stress

2005-03-23T12:09:00.000-06:00

I'm sure there is good stress and bad stress. For example, a certain level of stress keeps you agile, on your feet and concentrating on the job at hand. But there is also bad stress, where you constantly obsess about your work and exhaust yourself to the point of not being able to work at all. And adults are constantly stressed out about something or the other. Bills, mortgages, relationships, kids, jobs, divorce, alimony, taxes, stocks, loans, profits, losses, bankruptcy, personal health... to a name a few well known sources of stress. I've known people who can handle stress very well i.e they are very calm both inside and out or have become very adept in pretending to be calm; and I have known people who cannot handle stress at all. However, there is a third group of people who fall somewhere in the middle - they can handle some sorts of stress but will totally lose all reason to some other forms. This is the group of people who have it the worst and this is where I fall. The reason they have the most trouble is because they are unaware of the domains of stress they can and cannot deal with. Consequently, all stressful situations catch them off guard and their reaction to it is quite spontaneous. Nevertheless, the funniest group of people are the one's that stress about stress. "Man ! I can't believe I have to stay up all night to study for the test tomorrow." The aforementioned sentence is a classic example of stressing about stress - the person is stressing out right now, because of a stress that he/she has to deal with later on. I don't quite remember where I was going with this but I just decided to document these observations. Well, its time to go to class and I hate Humphrey Bogart - no wonder the movie is called "THE BIG SLEEP! "